I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
