I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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