hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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