Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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