Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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