I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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