and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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