I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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