i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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