Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
