my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
