i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
