Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
