shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i came on her dog
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
