Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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