A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
