My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
