I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Randomize
