Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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