I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
