everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
