Question for you. Are boobs and hands polarly charged, thus causing the inevitable joining of the two. If so are some breasts simply charged backwards
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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