Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
