You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Holy shit dude........stairs
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
