Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
