just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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