I'm so fucking centered right now
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
