I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize