U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
