I accidentally burped into my bong.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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