It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
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