operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
