also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Randomize
