the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
