So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
