I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
