I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
