As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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