Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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