Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
