i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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