sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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