i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
