I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
