Just fell off a train. Bad.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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