Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
