I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Randomize
