I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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