One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
