I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
