I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
