she woke up with a sticky ear
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
