I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
