My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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