Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
A bitchslap is in order.
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