it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
