He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize