There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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